Varsity Squad.

Last night Forth and I chaperoned the Halloween dance at his high school. I should say, “chaperoned.” Essentially we sat on the top of the bleachers and I bopped along with music that made Forth cringe. I also made fun of kids. A lot. There were only two, maybe three slow songs and for the first one, kids stood about a foot apart from each other. It was terribly awkward and we had to laugh. But by the last slow song, established couples were comfortable enough with each other to let their loins brush, and emotions ran high.

Rumor has it a few couples had to be pulled off of each other, but the worst we saw was a girl carry a can of Sprite outside of the cafeteria area and into the gym. I marveled at how ridiculous and young everybody looked, and was glad I only went to one dance my entire high school career, which was Homecoming junior year, and even then everyone thought my friends and I were cool because we dressed in classy matching black. When girls hear a song they like nowadays, they come running into the gym in massive groups High School Musical style, like some huge choreographed number is about to erupt. From up top, it was easy to analyze everyone’s social activity. For example, Forth observed this kid who dressed up like Dee Snider and was trying desperately to dance with a pair of girls who went as Romy and Michelle. He would dance around them a little, flirt with one a bit, and then was shot down because the girls just didn’t even know what he was up to. Later on we watched a boy dressed as Prince William bop around the outskirts of a group of girls, very awkwardly trying to find an opening in. Thankfully they only made him suffer around the edges for a few minutes before one noticed what he was trying to do.

Then of course there was That Kid, the freaking weirdo who floats around by himself and deliberately or maybe not so deliberately tries to weird everyone out and acts the exact opposite of every social norm. He was dressed up as a vulture, with a beaked mask, grey wings and a grey sweatsuit, because the weird kid always wears sweatpants. Always. At one point he craned his neck to look up and Forth and I and I stared back with icy chaperone eyes and got all ready to throw my empty water bottle at him, but he quickly departed.

The playlist was fairly baffling. The night began with Regina Spektor, which, while I love her, isn’t exactly high school dance material–at least not for the kids who attend them. Though it was a Halloween dance, there was no “Monster Mash” and “Thriller” didn’t even come on till the very end. The first slow song was “Yellow” by Coldplay, which I didn’t realize could qualify as a slow song, and then I wondered, weren’t the kids like, 8 when this came out anyway? The DJ played Britney Spears and The Spice Girls as nice throwback tunes, which would have been more appropriate for my age group, rather than high school freshmen and sophomores, and then Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” came on and I thought, WTF? When Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be” showed up as the second slow song, Forth said it best, “It’s odd, the songs that have staying power.” Ditto.

By the end of the night, costumes had fallen apart (except for the kid dressed as the Joker–kudos to you dude, but next time don’t draw the red up so high), and nobody was wearing shoes. Apparently donning ’80’s garb is still a get-out-of-jail-free card as far as costumes go, and I would like to remind all the girls with their tiny Spandexed asses to savor their taut little bodies, ’cause soon it’s not going to look that good. Like, really soon. Freshman year of college you put on a couple beer pounds, sophmore year you fill out and get the woman-curves, then by junior year you’ve filled out and put on the famed 15, and by senior year, you’re full-blown child-bearing material. Yeah. Just wait.

Ironically, the last songs of the night were tunes from High School Musical and Forth spent the last few minutes chatting up the visiting French English teacher who was there with a group of French English students. The man’s name was Frederic and he was wearing a thin scarf and a pinky ring and had a lovely accent and I think I fell in love a little bit, because American men just don’t do that sort of thing.

Oh yeah-my zombie plan is this: do whatever Forth, Farmacy, and Bearded tell me to.

**Back.

When Zombies Attack Pt. 1

Part 1: Preparation.

This is a first draft of my zombie escape plan.  Since I have never devised such a plan and have no prior experience fighting zombies, I’m going to need feedback.

I’m going to work under the assumption of several precepts here.  First: The zombies are the new sort, meaning they are fast and hungry.  RAWR.  While Shaun of the Dead was an outstanding movie it was satire and I think we can all agree that when the zombies do come they won’t be that easy to dupe.  Second: Milwaukee will not be one of the first cities ravaged but, being a city, it won’t take long.  Third: The public works of the nation -water, electricity, television networks, cell phone towers and other services – would be down in roughly the first 48 hours.  There will of course be pockets of civilization that hold out longer but I think 48 hours is the longest I can absolutely count on.  Third: The looting will start shortly after the power is gone.  Fourth: The government will be slow to respond and cannot be counted on to save everyone.

With these precepts in mind the first step I’d need to take would be to find Back.  Obvious.  This is why it is important that everyone is prepared and recognizes the emergency right away.  If we sit around then by the time we get our act together the grid will be down, cell phones will be useless and looting bands of hoodlums will own the streets.

The next step is to have a list of necessities handy.  A list will be handy when everyone else is panicking, stocking up on ding-dongs and calling their shrink, we’ll be in Wal-Mart and Lowes.  This should probably be kept in multiple places, i.e. the car, the apartment, work.  It might even be a good idea to keep one in my work bag in case I am forced to abandon the vehicle.

List of Necessities*:

*this is a basic list based on the capacity of a 2001 Honda Civic.  I’ll update it as I go.  A later list will be composed for traveling light or hiking.

1. Vitamins and supplements.  I assume these will keep and will help supplement the likely poor eating conditions of the next few weeks.

2. Light weight blunt objects.  My choice because it is hand will be lacrosse poles minus the head.

3. Gas Cans.

4. Heavy clothes.  While we may eventually try to move to warmer climates with the power grid down, winter is coming.

5. Food will obviously be a hard to plan.  Non-perishables are a must.

6. Large batteries, including but not limited to car batteries.

7. Duct Tape. Don’t skimp on this.

8. More will be added to this list later.

Purchasing items on the list will come next.  It is imperative that this comes first because, being prepared, we will be reacting to the news quicker than most.  Credit cards will quickly become useless and bank accounts, these will soon be a memory.  I’d suggest maxing the Visa and emptying the bank account to cash.  Ruining my credit rating won’t matter so much in the coming months of darkness.  I can over buy at this point because some of it can be left behind later if need be.

While the shopping spree is underway, this is a good time to start calling relatives and friends to ensure that they are headed to high ground.  I may be implementing a zombie phone tree to make this efficient.  Later, I’ll address who has to be called and what plans will be implemented by us with regard to these calls.

Still to come: Is the HQ safe?, consolidating with friends, getting Viana_17 out of Capitol City, and when to trust the roads.

~Forth

Misspelign Amaricka.

Contemporary Applications of Mathematics: 9:30 AM. Today, we are starting Chapter 5 and learning about the best way to get from Point A to Point B. It’s called, as the teacher writes on the board, “Euler’s Path’s and Circuts.” I choked on my coffee as I gawked at the grammatical abomination on the chalkboard, but excused the girl a bit. After all–this is why she teaches math to idiots like myself. I correct the horror in my  notes: “Euler’s PatHS and CirCUITS.” This is why I love being an English major.

Some people harp on Grammar Nazis. We are instructed to stay away from commenting on grammatical errors in my fiction workshop, in order to focus on the story content. But when someone neglects to use question marks in a dialogue-driven story and continually uses the word ‘cloths’ instead of ‘clothes,’ I can’t even focus on content. I enjoy writing intelligently and like some kind of literary bully, correcting others makes me feel that much better about myself. What can I say? It’s true. People of course get paid to correct others in this same vein: they’re called editors, and I’d like to be one. Especially on the web, where all correct English usage tends to get thrown out the window in favor of being “up-to-date” and quick. Forth makes more spelling and grammar errors on this blog and elsewhere than I’d like to admit (‘dissapointed’ is not a word, dear), he being an English teacher and all–but for every mistake he makes, his students use 3 Netbonics terms in their actual essays. OMG, right?

Spelling errors and grammar misuse are like a freaking epidemic here in the United States. English is the common language and people barely know how to use it–that includes acclaimed media outlets like The Washington Post and Fox News, where proper communication is their business. Let’s just note this little gem on the right. Half the time people don’t even recognize an error when they see one, which is the scary part. I’d like to thank some brave pencil-wielder for correcting a sign on the desk at our local Midas, that included two errors including a misspelling of the word ‘incur.’ And to Mr. Michael James _______, we’re deeply sorry that the University of Michigan couldn’t properly handle the word ‘bachelor’ on your diploma.

But alas, I have not finished my tale of spelling failure in math class this morning. Continuing the theme of Paths and Circuits, my teacher drew a map of the science/math section of campus. Very carefully in a rectangle signifying a science building, she wrote “Chemestry.” I jolted a little in disbelief, knocking my knee against the underside of my desk while the girl next to me gasped simulatenously. And yet, it was not over. I continued on to my Africology class where we watched a film on getting plastic surgery to appear less ethnic and the closed caption on the bottom suddenly reads “prettyier.” I look down at my study guide and read a question that includes the phrase, “but when the chits are down….” Chits? Chits??? T and P are not even on the same side of the keyboard! For a man that has published five books, my professor certainly doesn’t know a red-squiggly Microsoft line when he sees one.

People simply need to take the extra time to make sure that they’re using correct spelling and grammar. It’s such an elementary principle that I am astonished at how people can ignore such things. To be more conscious of crimes against the English language, go ahead and surf the specially devoted album on Flickr. The things people just don’t know is, all too often, completely disheartening.

**Back.

Noam

I’ve read two books by Prof. Noam Chomsky and I probably should read about twelve more.  Each of the books I read, I’ve found I needed to read twice -I did- because there seems to be such vision and depth that I know I am missing out on parts.  In this video he talks about the lesser of two evils: Obama.  When you have ten quiet minutes watch this.  I say quiet because… well, its Noam Chomsky, man.

Next time something completely different: Your zombie survival plan.  Don’t tell me you haven’t considered the alternative exits to your apartment.

~Forth

On this episode of…

I have lots of favorite things. Booze, ghost hunting, Qdoba, giving free bjs to elderly men at bus stops…………….and, Jon & Kate Plus 8!

As I may have mentioned, I got hooked on Jon & Kate Plus 8 after watching a marathon with one of my good friends as we waited to hit the concerts at Summerfest. If you have not heard, Jon & Kate Plus 8 follows the Gosselin family, who live in Central Pennslyvania. Jon and Kate, a couple who needed fertility treatments to have children, first had a set of twins. Then, when they tried for one more baby with the same fertility treatment, they ended up pregnant with sextuplets, having turned down the doctor’s offer to “reduce” the amount of fertilized eggs. The twins are now 7, and the sextuplets are 4.

I’m not really the type that goes all to pieces over babies–in fact, I’m sort of awkward with kids, as I am with you know…humans. But these 8 are pretty damn cute, and I think Jon and Kate are really funny and good parents, and so it makes for a nice half-hour of brainless TV every now and then.

I’ll not mention how Forth is pretty sure Aaden is erm…”not all there,” but will make it a point to say that Forth, a boy, very willingly watches Jon & Kate Plus 8 with me. How sweet is that? This is what makes me feel better about reproducing: the world could use more kids brought up like Forth and I (though perhaps of purer heart than I…) Anyways, I think Hannah is my favorite, then maybe Alexis. Hannah is more like I used to be–all about holding dolls and household chores. And she’s quiet. Alexis is simply hilarious with her speech impediment, boy-like tendencies, and penchant for reptiles.

I feel like most people watch the show and laugh at the kids and everything, but are like, “Yes, they’re cute, but I wouldn’t want that many.” The show actually makes me want one. Now. Not SERIOUSLY now, but for me to admit that a kid would be nice is for a normal married couple to be like, “LET’S HAVE TWELVE.” Angelina Jolie-style.

One bored night, I did some net-surfing and found out that there’s a lot of negative stuff that gets thrown Jon & Kate’s way. Apparently people who meet up with the Gosselins in real life think that both Jon and Kate are rather cold towards fans. Some people in the Gosselin’s hometown balk at the lack of activity the kids have in child-geared events that the town puts on, and others are upset with the amount of free things that the family gets–like clothing from Banana Republic and Gap, for instance. Also, when the Gosselins speak at churches, apparently they sell autographed pictures for $20 a pop and the church also takes up a special collection for the family, which some people have a problem with. Besides all this, other people are angry that the Gosselins get free trips to Hawaii, Utah, Disney World, etc. There is also speculation over Jon’s job. Apparently he had a job, got a new specially-made government job with Pennsylvania, quit that in favor of more flexible hours working for his friend, and then quit that to “ride the gravy train his kids have created.”

To most of this stuff, I’d like to tell people to get over it: the Gosselins were offered an opportunity to make something out of their less-than-favorable situation. Not many people get two sets of multiples thrown their way, and they were offered a chance to help deal with it. Since it happens to make TLC a lot of money, they caught a lucky break. Some people do, some people don’t. Parents bitch because Jon and Kate are getting paid to be parents, but they’re also dealing with an extraordinary amount of kids, all at the same age. It’s sort of the same with that Jesus-freak idiot family with 18 kids or whatever. Now THAT is fucking sick, and I would like to pay them to STOP breeding.

Jon and Kate have a TV show. They’re famous. Famous people get free things. Famous people don’t have to work normal jobs. The parents that complain about the Gosselins certainly cannot deny the fact that they would quit their jobs too, if they didn’t have to work. As long as they realize that at some point, their 15 minutes will be up, it’s a nice ride for the time being. Kate seems pretty grounded, and it’s about as “real” as you can get, so I don’t see what the problem is. They only film 3 days a week, the family functions as normally as they ever have, the kids are no worse for the wear, and Jon and Kate can devote all of their time to raising smart, decent kids. As far as I’m concerned, the folks of Survivor and The Surreal Life, do a lot less for more money than Jon and Kate, so haters can suck it. Not to mention, the Gosselins are very into the God thing, and repeatedly (and genuinely) state that not a day goes by where they don’t thank God for what they’ve been handed–and considering the number of churches they speak at–I believe them.

That said, I’m really looking forward to the episode where they go to Hawaii. And if Mady would just shut her bratty little trap every now and then, the show would be a good time for all.

**Back.

Snow Balled

What started out as T-Dizzle’s offhanded comment that “we should do something on election night” has snowballed into a /gulp themed election night get together.

So the night of the election we’ll be tuning into Bill O’Reilly crying at about 11.00 pm after having spent the night flipping channels, diverting ourselves with games and conversations, and surfing the Intertubes.  The theme was not my idea I’d like to point out.  I had just planned on taking the day after off so I could stay up until Ohio figured itself out (pronounced: 3 am).  Then Back and Lady VanHart got involved and now it’s a Red, White and Blue theme.  I guess I’m fine with that though because they intend on making food and I do not.

So, if you’re reading this and you already have our address, you are invited to the Corporate HQ of Forth and Back International.  Unlike the last election, I hope to wake up happy the next day – seriously, my mother would not even let us say W’s name in the house for at least a month because she was so dissapointed.

Oh and this:

~Forth

Costumified.

Halloween is fast-approaching. Forth and I are going to a costume party, and the question arises: What the hell are we going to go as? Okay I don’t mean ‘we’ together like a joint costume, ’cause that’s a little lame, though we once talked of a Ron Burgundy/Veronica Corningstone combo but….ssshhh. Since his costume will inevitably suck since he doesn’t care, I must consider carefully.

One of my most proud moments was dressing up as Queen Amidala in my $40 costume two years ago with my best friends in Eau Claire. We went everywhere in our costumes–around campus, to Target (where I frightened little children by granting them the Force), to a grocery store, and even to see Saw III in yes, a public theater. I always wanted to wear it again since I spent so much money on it (for a damn costume anyway), but according to Forth, it’s “out of date.” As far as I’m considered, Star Wars is timeless, but…how about your thoughts?

My other option was to buy a Bride costume from Kill Bill. I would love nothing more than to stain a yellow jumpsuit with some ketchup and walk around with a bloody Hattori Hanso knock-off and a revenge-laiden grimace, but I suppose that would be “outdated” as well. Too bad I freaking love that movie. *Sigh.

A lot of kids have been doing the vintage thing, going as characters from old-school TV. For example, the entire cast of Legends of the Hidden Temple showed up in my dorm lounge freshman year. There have also been a lot of kids from Recess and Dougs happening lately as well. But ten bucks says if I were to go as Clarissa from Clarissa Explains It All, people would have NO CLUE who I was. The key is to be awesome, but recognizable.

Then again, there is always the Sorostitute Option. AKA, go as something expected and sex it up. You know, the sexy nurse, sexy cop, sexy fireman, sexy GARRRUMMPPHHHHURRRGGG. Oh excuse me….I just threw up all over myself. Let me go clean up————–alright, done. This obviously, is not an option.

I want to be something that involves a lot of effort–something sweet and maybe a little bad-ass. Something orginal, but affordable. Deep down in my 6 year-old heart, I’ve always wanted to be Belle from Beauty and the Beast, but I don’t even want to know how much that yellow gown runs. I’ve got 22 more days to think of something fun, and I’d welcome your help. Yes you…the whole 5 of you that pay attention.

At any rate, Forth and I have a bottle of wine to down and a brand new episode of The Office to watch.

(Jim is le sex.)

**Back.

Debate tonight.

I like watching ABC for the debates.  Maybe I’m just a sucker for George Stephanopoulos since Sam Seaborn’s soaring rhetoric was rumored to have been written after him.  That is not confirmed by IMDB.com though.  Whatever, I like him.

Here are some of the many maps that follow the only 270 votes that really matter.

Politico: Obama 207, McCain 163, Toss-Up 168.
Rove.com: Wait, who?!? Obama 273, McCain 163 Toss-Up 102.
Pollster: Obama 320, McCain 163 Toss-Up 55
270towin: Obama 264, McCain 163 Toss-Up 111
Real Clear Politics: Obama 264, McCain 163 Toss-Up 111

That is a grand average of: Obama 265.6 McCain 163 Toss-Up 109.4

This of course means next to nothing but it does give you a picture of the quickly decreasing time between now and the election.  It seems that everyone is agreed on McCain’s states -odd really- and no one really agrees on Obama’s.  While I’m sure there is a reason it is something to consider.

~Forth

Hot Brew.

With the Brewers in the playoffs and heading towards certain championship, the question remains: which Brewer is the hottest? Let us take a look….

Ryan Braun:

Tall, dark, and handsome, Ryan Braun is one of the three most-talked about young Brewers. There’s a little bit of Javier Bardem, maybe mixed with some Robert Downey Jr.–or something. He’s got nice eyes and a constant five o’ clock shadow which can be hot, in that scruffy sort of way.

Next we’ve got Corey Hart: cute and blonde in that sort of all-American fashion, Corey’s got kind of a baby-face thing going on. He seems to have tried to offput the little-kid demeanor by growing a beard. However…that beard just does not fly. He doesn’t look like a baseball player, but some farm kid that crawled off the tractor and into Miller Park.

JJ Hardy completes the Brewer hotness trifecta. Unlike Corey Hart, he has age-appropriate good-looks and seems like he knows how to handle a chick. However, he gets demerit points for that thing growing on his chin. The little beardy patch thing gives him an Amish look, which–and no offense to our friends of a simpler life–does not do anything for his hotness factor.

Honestly, I think Forth is hotter than any of these three, though perhaps doesn’t know how to swing a bat quite as well. I’m not sure why people don’t lump Eric Gagne in with the other three hot dudes. After all, what’s wrong with a pitcher that looks almost EXACTLY like Seth Rogan?

GO BREWERS!!!!

**Back.

The Big 100

Forth had an idea in the shower -that is where he gets all of his best ideas. It hit him, wouldn’t it be fun if they had a blog? They could alternate so it wouldn’t be as much work. They’d go back and forth. They could call it ForthandBack. He got out of the shower, told Back his idea and to his surprise she liked it. Then came the real problem…

Who would be Back and who would be Forth? He put it to her, which would you like to be? Of course he had one that he wanted in his head but he let her choose. SCORE, she wanted Back because she always sits in the back. He wanted Forth because… well he just wanted it. She said she felt he always pushes the conversation forth or forward.

We’ve had some fun on here, mostly due to the Smoking Ban and Natural Family Planning but mostly its been T-Dizzle, The Bearded Man, FarmacyMan, Dani, Viana_17, Forth and Back just kicking around some ideas. Thanks everyone. You’d be really surprised how nice it is to hear you all comment on here, or when one of you send us an email saying what we wrote was funny.

So after 100 posts, 232 comments and 4,959 views (so like 900 for each of our readers) we’d like to say from all of us at ForthandBack International: Thanks and keep on keeping on.

This is funny.

http://maps.google.com/vote

~Back and Forth