What the hell is up with all the extra-annoying Facebook crap lately? Seriously—first it was that stupid 25 Things note, then all the forward-esque notes about your spouse and being a mom and memories and blah blah. Now it’s that stupid tag-your-friend picture with all the little colorful characters. Oh, Brad is the “tiny, dangerous one.” How flipping cute. With all this ridiculousness in mind, I’ve decided to make a list of the top 10 most annoying Facebook statuses.
10.) The Countdown—Simple enough: “Back is **8 DAYS!!!!**”
Uh…8 days till what? Do I care? Probably not. Do I know you well enough to care? Probably less likely than caring. Do you need to find something else to do besides count your days? Probably. Am I guilty of posting such a status in the past? *Sniff. Yes.
9.) The Drunken Proclamation—“Back is totalllllly waaastedgh you guysshh omgz.”
Wow, look at you. You’re drinking. You’re so clever that you found a way to get your hands on some booze even though you’re NOT 21. You’re so cool. SO awesome. Have I done this one too? Probably. In not so many words.
8.) The Song Lyric—“Back is I won’t tell you that I love you kiss or hug you cuz I’m bluffin’ with my muffin.”
Shut up. We already know you have shitty taste in music thanks to your profile.
7.) The Home-From-Work Announcement—“Back is relaxing after a busy day at work.”
Yep, you and like, 275 million other Americans. Pour yourself a glass of pinot noir, turn on Dancing With the Stars, and go to bed at 9 p.m. Way to live the dream.
6.) The Cliché Catchphrase—“Back shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.”
How original. Before that were you Bond. James Bond? Or did you have a case of the Mondays? A motor-boatin’ sonofabitch? Do you love lamp? Have sweet nunchuck skills? Can you haz cheezburger? Enough. Please?
5.) The Verb—“Back is.”
This is just like a stupid attempt to seem philosophical when really you were changing your status and left it blank by accident. The end.
4.) The McLovin’—“Back is loving this slice of cheesecake.”
You’re loving Twilight. You’re loving Brad Pitt. You’re loving these new shoes. Okay, cool: then try and find a more creative way to say it, preferably one that doesn’t sound so sorostitute.
3.) The Weather—“Back is FREEZING and has had it with all this snow.”
Yes, we all are. Congratulations on choosing to comment on the single most clichéd topic of conversation ever. Get over it, or move to Florida.
2.) The ♥ —“Back ♥s her girls.”
No. Just…….no.
1.) The Mommy Update—“Back is sad that her Spawn has a cold 
“
Awesome—someone had sex with you, and you gave birth. I’m sure your kids are super-duper and it’s cute to hear about them once in awhile, but seriously. We truly don’t care if your little ejaculation slept 8 hours, is onto eating real cereal, or spit up all over their Target onesie. It’s like waving a virtual wallet-full of kiddie pictures in front of our faces ALL THE TIME.
Okay, so I dumped in an extra tablespoon or two of Bitch, but that’s what stress will do to a person.
Fin.
**Back.
