O, MTV’s “The Real World.” You’re gonna have to excuse the lack of quality in this post since I’m insanely tired and just want to churn something out so Forth can complain about the new Indiana Jones movie, but whatev.
I started watching “The Real World” in 1997 because it was supposed to be cool and I was too young to see through the stupidity. After catching stray episodes of Seattle and Boston, I got all sucked into Hawaii halfway through and contemplated naming my future daughter Amaya ’cause she was pretty. I watched every rerun of every episode (but only during afternoons at Grandma and Grandpa’s house since they had cable and we country-dwellers did not) and got all psyched when the New Orleans season started in 2000. I also dabbled in “Road Rules” but it just didn’t really trip my trigger.
I spent the majority of this season being in love with Danny, who was and still is the hottest gay man I’ve ever seen in my life. Other than that, I was highly entertained by Julie and Melissa. Not only did I watch the show religiously but I also followed along with random things online. At this point I also heard a rumor that the houses they get put in are not real, and the walls don’t go all the way up to the ceiling, making privacy hard to obtain, and nasty whispers much more audible. Also, the directors allegedly provoke fights by telling certain castmates about specific comments or incidents that they might not have heard about. This was disheartening, and I consequently lost interest right up until Dramz started DVRing the Hollywood season at the old apartment and watched an episode in a fit of dire boredom.
Usually it takes at least halfway through the show for things to start heating up in the house, but in 2008 everyone has apparently said ‘fuck all’ and jumps naked into the hot tub on the first night. Not to mention right off the bat they also pick Greg as the outcast, and the two blond white kids in the bunch hop right into bed for a humpfest. They seemed to have picked a particularly ripe group of headcases, which is only fitting in Hollywood. Greg refers to women as “female associates” and everyone else as “peasants,” there are two recovering addicts, one of whom eats only protein and has replaced alcohol with weights and a stripper/singer with a court order and intent to return to the boyfriend who pressed those charges. So yep. Real great bunch of kids there.
Of course, I fully intended on auditioning for “The Real World” once I turned 18. Let’s not forget it was the first “reality show” of the times, and I wanted to go bust out of my tepid virginal shell on national TV as vivaciously as possible. This naturally only got as far as me labeling a blank videotape, “Back’s Real World Audition Tape” and then forgetting about the six-month wait till the next casting call. And then Forth happened which meant being on “The Real World” never will, but that is okay with me now.
What fascinates me now is how the program shows how alike everybody really is, especially masquerading as something that was created to highlight diversity. In the spectrum of ignorant, arrogant, sex-driven, talentless assclown cokeheads, we’ve all been to one end or the other and MTV just wants that light to keep shining. Perhaps I’ll tune in the next time there is a ridiculously hot gay man (like they all are) but until then, it’s Pam Beesley and Jim foreva.
**Back.
